I hate the phrase “mommy wars”. It’s a phrase that’s having its hayday in social media right now, pitting different parenting styles against one another. People making a case for their style of parenting; Stay at home vs. Working parent vs. Part time work and at home, homeschooling vs. public school vs. private school vs. faith based schooling, to vaccinate or not to vaccinate. The debates, which so many of us have seen, get heated and lines are drawn in the sand.

And it’s so easy to fall into. It’s easy to see what we believe we’re doing right and compare that to how others choose to conduct their family life. And why? In a culture where we’re taught to live and let live, where we aren’t allowed to express opinions against others and if we do, others have the right to retaliate, why is parenting and family the last vestige of allowable judgement?

Some might say it has to do with seeing the speck in someone else’s eye and not the plank in our own. True, but if it was just about judgement would it be so prevalent? Would no one be able to resist the urge? Maybe. But I think there’s something more to it.

When I see and feel myself engaging in my head and heart (if not online) in these areas of judgement it’s usually reactionary. I judge because I feel judged. It’s a vicious cycle. When someone posts that article on Social Media that basically slams my parenting choices it hits insecurities that I already feel as a parent. Because I haven’t met anyone who feels like all the decisions they make as a parent are perfect. In each of us there’s a niggling doubt that we’re wrecking our kids, socially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And that fear can cause us to become hyper vigilint. Not wanting to release control over any aspect of  our family life, we micromanage our emotions and obsess over our decisions big and small.

And there’s the other side of the coin. When someone devalues our hard work and life choices it can make us feel like some core values that we hold dear are worthless. Because, let’s face it, so many of us feel a lack of encouragement in our lives. As we stay that extra hour at work to do our job well and then are told we’re a bad parent because of it, who wins? As you wipe up that potty accident, pull gum out of hair, and try to engage your kids and are told that you need to be more ambitious, who wins?

Because I see in my life that so much of my defensiveness and judgement of other people comes out of insecurity and feeling invisible. In talking with other moms, stay at home and working outside the home, I hear over and over that they feel unseen and unappreciated. That it’s not the big decisions but the little everyday niggling doubts that are wearing them down. Everyone needs to feel valued, both by God and by others around them.

God is so explicit in how he values us. His love for us is abundant in Scripture and the blessings we see around us. And he sees the little things. “Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” Matthew 6:4. This speaks about tithing but I believe that this holds true in other things in life. When I’m in that place of feeling unappreciated this verse rings through my head. And it’s comforting. Because even when I feel invisible in my world, God sees me, and sees my heart and my perseverance and my determination to do what I can the best way I can.

But God also tells us to encourage one another. Because being seen, noticed for the things that we are doing helps us bear the loads we carry. So, we should say the helpful and hopeful things that we think but may be too embarrassed to say. Let people know that we see them. Smile, don’t frown at the person struggling at the grocery store. Help when we can and speak words of hope and care.

And if we don’t know the person, maybe the best thing we can do is not engage in the emotional wars that rage around us. Because “Whoever derides their neighbor has no sense, but the one who has understanding holds their tongue.” Proverbs 11:12. Ouch. Because I know that when I’m sitting and stewing over another person I’m lacking in understanding. I’m not party to their situation so can’t engage with understanding and compassion. And maybe there’s something in me that I need to examine, seeking God for understanding about why I’m defensive and on the offensive. That the trigger is internal and when I understand myself better, I am better able to understand others.