It’s funny how often I get gobsmacked by things. My husband laughs at me when I fail to realize that something so obvious to other people throws me for a loop and when I make plans that never seem to come to fruition. These plans don’t go off the rails because I can’t commit but usually because God’s got something completely different in mind.
I’m glad I amuse my husband and it is funny, but then sometimes those things you realize about yourself aren’t so funny. Like in two posts ago when I realized that trusting is hard for me. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately because I’m seeing plans fall through. In the past when this has happened it’s one of those epic stories of God’s different direction for me and I end up somewhere better than I could have imagined. But this time feels different. I’m looking forward to my next year or so and wondering what God’s got in store for me. There are options and I start to make plans and they (insert Whoopee cushion noise here). And it’s different this time. Usually when God does this it’s like he says “not that, but this” and there I know and there I go. But not this time.
I don’t know if I’ve ever had a time like this in my adult life where this has happened. Usually I have a plan and see God’s plan and sometimes what I had planned works out to have aligned with God’s idea and sometimes God’s plan is different but I go with that. But this time, I’m holding plans really loosely. That’s not my usual. I’m a processor. I think through plans from beginning to the multiple outcomes. I’m prepped. But not this time. For once in my life I’m really up in the air. I don’t see a clear direction and where God usually points out the path to take, he’s actually just showing me closed roads. It’s limboesque.
As I sit here it almost feels like those awkward situations where you sit with a person and you know they’re going to tell you the plan, need to tell you the plan so the plan can be accomplished and they sit there, fingers interlaced on their stomach leaning back in their chair silently and peacefully contemplating you and your agitation.
But I know God’s not teasing me or torturing me or has any malicious intent in this situation. I think it comes back to trust. God has guided me to wonderful things beyond what I could have planned for as long as I can remember. Yet I still worry and fret and itch to be active on plans I know not what. And I forget. I forget his faithfulness and his nature and I chafe at my plateau.
Because this is new and not like before. Because this is unfamiliar and not like before. But I’m also not like before. I’m different, I’ve grown in him and more into myself. So why wouldn’t he give me the opportunity to experience his guidance in a way that might require more trust and more discipline and more maturity? I’m trying to take it as a compliment.
But what I do know is that God hasn’t forgotten me, hasn’t taken his eye off me for a second. My future is in his sight. And he will remember me. Like he remembered his people not only with thought but with action. And I know in his time he will remember me too.

Remember me Lord when you show favour to your people
Come to my aid when you save them,
That I might enjoy the prosperity of your chosen ones,
That I might share in the joy of your nation,
And join your inheritance in giving praise Psalm 106:4-5