So I’m not sure why God is choosing the microwave as a vehicle for my spiritual formation, but, well, there you go. If I had my choice, I would choose mountaintop solitude experiences somewhere beautiful and exotic rather than burning aluminum foil. But sometimes we don’t get a choice about how God will choose to form and mold us and speak to us about our lives and choices. It wasn’t so much the on-fire foil wrapped baked potato as much as it’s been a steady irritation in my gullet about the state of my kitchen. You see, I’ve been busy with ministry and travel and this is the first time in a while where I’ve been in my hometown for the whole week. I’m a homebody. I love puttering and cooking and yes, even cleaning. But this week has been different. I’m cranky. I’m cranky over spilled flour and kid-persons trying to defrost bread by running water over it. I’m cranky about our fridge that has had both an entire 4L jug of milk and a jar of pickle juice spilled over it in the span of three days. I’m cranky over pots filled with food in the fridge rather than containers and I’m cranky over the call for a ‘fridge organization system’. Made my eyelid tic, that one did. I don’t want to be cranky. I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations on others about their abilities related to age and personality. I don’t want the time before school and after supper to be one of just getting things where they need to be! There’s a cry in my heart that says ‘why can’t things just be clean and simple for a few minutes?!?’. And I wonder why I feel weepy when I have nothing to cry about. Maybe it’s the perpetual and continual deep-freeze that winter has been. Maybe it’s too much of some kind of food and not enough water. Or maybe, just maybe, the cry in my heart is one for stillness and peace. When you couple the end of a busy season with the impulse to hold your value within what you do, there is some reorienting that needs to happen. I find it hard to find peace. When the busyness lulls and I know I need to be mindful and careful and to take time to recharge, there is resistance within me. Because is what I’m doing now as valuable as what I was doing before? My intersection of activity and peace comes when I realize that I’m seeking control and approval. When the speaking and meetings are done for a time, how do I find grace in the everyday. Grace not only for others but also for myself? I know I’m in that place when I ask my husband “Am I a contributing member of society”. Wonderful man that he is, he tells me how and why. He knows my insecurities as well as anyone. But that doesn’t always satisfy the need for peace. It only takes the edge off. Because what I need is to see myself, again, through God’s eyes. To submit myself to his wisdom of what I do verses who I am. To cry and cry out in his presence when I realize that I’m performing over toaster crumbs because I’ve lost my self and way in the midst of good service and the opportunity for rest. When I sit with him, I look at what I do. I list the ministries, the work, the people I support and the way I help grow these not-so-tiny-anymore humans. I put all of those things in one column in my head. And then I begin the other column. Who I am. There’s only one thing in that column. God’s Girl. That’s it. That’s all. And that’s all there needs to be. I look at those words and set them in my sights. Because that is where peace and freedom resides. As God’s Girl, I am worthy of mission, purpose, service, and good work. But you know what else I’m worthy of? Love, rest, cleansing tears, recharging, saying no for the right reasons and yes for the right reasons. I don’t need to perform. I don’t need to work into crabbiness because I’m worried that people will think I’m not pulling my weight. As God’s Girl, I can follow God’s rhythms, not the structures of the world around me. I can release things because my worth is not my work. I can seek his peace because that is what he desires for me. A peace that comes from balance and most importantly, recognizing my own limitations and not being ashamed of those. Today I will be seeking peace. I will reorient my priorities, my yes and my no. I will ask God to continually show me how he is pleased with me. I might cry a little, not out of sadness but out of released tension. And that’s ok too. God sees me, see you, and knows what we need in his wisdom and love. Beyond what we do into the core of who we are, he sees us. I want to know that in my soul because that’s where the rest and peace come from. There’s no better place for me to be today.