Now I’m not particularly a melancholy person by nature but there are times when I’m a bit of a sad sack. I wander around feeling listless and bored and put upon, seeking something new, something different, something that will liven the spark of my seemingly mundane existence. It’s at times like these, and this is true confessions now, that I hearken back to days when life did not seem and endless round of runny noses, appointments, and paying bills.

Yes, the halcyon days of high school. Every once in a while when I’m feeling the boredom coming on a song pops into my head. Like so many people, hearing a song evokes times and places in me and I regress to the person I was then. Not total regression, where I could wear tights and a baggy t-shirt and be in style, but a longing for the excitement of the emotionally charged existence that was then.

Last night, when up much too late, this was the song.

Ah yes, the angst filled year of grade 9 where I had a crush on at least one grade 12 boy and felt the poignant loss of their leaving my life forever. This song was played at grad that year as I watched these young hopeful dreams walk out of my life.

Now, what, you may ask, was the reason for this walk down memory lane? Maybe it was seeing the list of potential grad exit songs on the board as I walked into a classroom to teach. Maybe it was seeing some of the teens who have been a big part of our life and ministry here getting ready to move on and out into the world. Maybe it was that late night chocolate bar, who can say?

Or maybe it was one of those instances where I’m feeling tired and worn and less excited about things in life than I usually am. Maybe it’s the longing for summer break and the hope of vacation. Maybe it’s a latent dislike of change as people around me who I’ve ministered with and to are moving to different ministries and life stages themselves.

I have never wanted to be one of those “18 till I die” people. Highschool was fun but now is much better. So why the glimpse back and desire for excitement? What am I missing?

How do you gain back what is lost, if even just temporarily? How do you gain back passion and zeal and energy? How do you gather it up, shake it off, and get back in it?

There are biblical examples that I love, Jesus taking time away to recharge and regroup, Elijah being told to just be, rest and restore. I love those things, the idea of sitting in peace and stillness, allowing yourself to be fulfilled and renewed. But what if you have those times and you come out of it restless and listening to mid-90’s Madonna?

I hope there is hope because well, there’s even a song about being stuck in the 90’s.

So, what do I do? There’s no hard and fast rule. The song tends to stay in my head for a few days. I’ll play it at home, in my car, let it run through my head as I plow through my day. The change doesn’t come upon me suddenly. It’s a gradual dawning that is its own remembering. I could be playing in the yard and look at the sun glistening on my daughter’s hair. I can see the gleeful pounding of sand by my son. I can take the moment and look, really look at my shoring husband in the dim light.

These present clear realities are juxtaposed with the ringing emotions associated with my past and they clash in that instant. I remember who I was then and I think of who I am now and I may grieve for loss or I may rejoice for what has come. But as I feel those emotions I begin to see the movement in my life. This movement is so intertwined with the decisions I’ve made, good and bad, the people who have come and gone in my life, and the ever-changing realities of my situation at different points in life.

And I begin to see. I begin to see God’s movement through my life. I begin to zoom out from the daily boredoms of dishes and routine and see the bigger picture of life and God and God in and through and around my life.The bigger picture is restored and I am grateful. I am grateful for the angst that could have been so much worse. I’m grateful for the peace and the light and the personhood of my children. I’m grateful that the husband of my youth is still the husband of my heart. I’m grateful for God’s faithfulness in my life and the lives that have intersected with mine.

My mom used to say that the cure for boredom was work. With all kudos to Mom, yes, it can be. But for me in the reality of my life the cure for boredom has to be a change in my perspective. I guess that boredom comes for me when God leaves the day-to-day of my life. When I am unintentional about Him, when I forget to see him in the little things as well as the big, when mission turns to duty and joy turns to pattern and obligation. That is when I lose heart and lost interest and lose the drive for the future in the memory of the past. When I disconnect from God I seek the has been instead of what could be.

So I guess the cure is not Madonna videos or reliving the past.  The remembering I need is the act of seeing God in my journey. Seeing him in his forgiveness and mercy, in the joy and the hardship. Seeing him all through my journey and the promise of the future.

Psalm 77: 10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:

the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”