Hyper-vigilant stage moms scare me. I’m not talking about the supportive take your kids to soccer and dance class kind of mom but the “Toddlers and Tiaras” kind of mom. The fierce intensity of their focus and drive to the exclusion of all else in life, including health and well-being, makes my eyes widen and my feet shuffle backwards looking for some sort of escape. But in my continuing quest to be a woman who fears the Lord and is praiseworthy in his eyes it seems that God is calling me to be a little like that stage mom only the wifely version.
Proverbs 31: 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land (NIV)
When I look at this verse it seems a little out-of-place in the rest of the passage. The verse before talks about the wife’s wardrobe and the verses after talk about her business savvy. So why this blip about her husband and his social/business status? I think this verse is telling us something about the marital relationship and how spouses are to reflect upon one another. Not only that but I believe that this verse tells us how we are to reflect upon anyone with whom we have a relationship. Our friends, our colleagues and bosses, our ministry cohorts.
This verse shows a man who has a certain standing, has earned a certain respect among his colleagues and having a seat with the elders of the city implies a certain amount of wisdom gained through experience. I believe placing this verse here in the midst of the description of this woman’s own savvy and wisdom says something about the support she offers him in his work and ministry. Who we are associated with reflects on us, doesn’t it? Often we see this with its negative connotations but what about the positive connotations. I have known people who if you mention them to others a love fest ensues. The “Oh, don’t you just love them/aren’t they great” conversations. I think this verse is telling us about a wife who is that kind of person for her husband. Her support, her wisdom, her sense, kindness, and smarts has been an asset to him in his work and ministry.
God values how we treat one another. He values our support of one another, our compassion, our cheerleading. That makes sense, doesn’t it? He calls us to consider the needs of others and value them. For the woman in this passage it means being a “Stage Wife”. Not the obsessive kind, but the healthy kind where she considers how she can support her husband and further his ministry. She wants to reflect well on him. Her actions bounce back onto him so she tries to conduct herself with honor and compassion not only to him but to others around her. I have known people who are at a disadvantage because of the actions of those they associate with. I think we all do. I don’t want to be one of those people. I want to be an asset to my husband, my children, the people I minister with, my boss, my colleagues.
There are pitfalls to being a “Stage Wife/Husband/Employee/Ministry Partner”. It is easy to fall into certain behaviors and emotional traps. Things start to get unhealthy when you invest everything you have in another person and leave nothing for what God desires for you as an individual. In the verses following verse 23 it talks about the woman’s own interests and actions. She invests in her husband and children but pursues her own interests as well. I firmly believe that God has plans for each of us and focussing entirely upon another person’s ministry can be limiting to the path God has for us. Supporting others is important but don’t rest in that. It can be easy to hide behind another person and not allow ourselves to be stretched.
Supporting roles are rewarding but can be difficult as well. What about that time you helped your boss with an important presentation and they came back after it was presented, glowing and excited. You wait for it…wait for it…and the thank you and acknowledgement never comes. You see the success of a ministry you and another were working on and you see them being acknowledged…and no mention of you. Your spouse is starting a new business and you have been putting in long hours caring for the kids, doing books, picking up the slack, supporting, cheerleading…and no acknowledgment comes your way. Resentment can build and fester. You feel unappreciated, taken for granted, invisible. What do you do?
First, pray. Pray for peace, change of heart, whatever. Also, telling God how you are feeling is very therapeutic. It’s not like he doesn’t already know. Telling him your hurts and frustrations can help you refocus and put them in perspective. Praying helps us get out of ourselves and see the bigger picture of what God may be doing in the situation. Prayer also helps prepare us to deal more kindly with another person.
A firm belief of mine is that people shouldn’t have to guess what you need to prove their love. What I mean by this is “If they really loved me they’d know or do X, Y, Z.” If the person doesn’t do that resentment builds and the relationship starts to slowly erode. I have had times when I’ve found out later that my actions or omissions were hurting someone else. It feels awful. After praying about it (so so important) it is alright to kindly, gently, and with compassion and mercy in mind say “I am feeling a little down. I could sure use some words of encouragement from you.” I don’t recommend doing this with your boss. That might elicit ideas of an inappropriate relationship. Just saying. But, in our more intimate and close relationships making someone guess what you need just makes you both feel bad, doesn’t it? There’s no need to play the martyr while supporting someone.
In an ideal world, you would not need to ask and if you did ask, the words would come freely and with birds singing and rainbows. That might not happen. I have been in situations where I did not get the acknowledgement or thanks I feel I deserved. I don’t like it. I don’t think anyone does. I was in one of those situations, feeling bitter and invisible and righteous and a verse popped into my head. A verse that turns out to be repeated three times in Matthew 6. Jesus is talking about different forms of worship: giving to those who need, prayer, fasting. These things that require something of us that are part of our honoring God.
“and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” Matthew 6:4, 6, 18 (NIV)
In those times I repeat this verse in my head. My actions may not be secret but they are behind the scenes and supportive. This verse reminds me that I am not invisible; what I do is not worthless and unacknowledged. Though my actions may seem secret they are seen. My hurt may be real and justified but we can’t make others acknowledge us the way we think they should. I need to take my hurt to God. He sees me. He sees what others may not and he acknowledges my obedience and my service and he says “well done”. Is my goal in service to receive acknowledgement from people or to please God? That is distorted sometimes. My service is an act of worship to God and in big or small ways and ways unseen is my way of helping to show his love here on earth.
So when those times come, when my cup needs filling, who am I turning to? I remember watching a sermon by Beth Moore and her words about who is filling your cup, your kids? Your spouse? Your friends? This reminded me that I am seeking God’s praise. In being a woman who fears the Lord I am seeking God’s approval, God’s praise. Though at times it is hard to serve in secret, God sees me. He sees every ounce of energy, every cheer, every minute of effort. It is my act of worship to him and he is pleased.