I’ve noticed something about myself lately that isn’t pleasant. I can’t say that it was a surprise, because it’s something that’s been brewing for a while. I’ve seen it in my reactions, my impulses, my gut feeling when I intersect with the triggers of this not-so-pleasant soul issue.

They say that confession is good for the soul. It is, but before confession comes awareness and that can be the harder step to take sometimes.

So here’s the awareness I encountered. I was lying on the couch, looking through social media, and I came upon a picture of a group of people who were starting something new. Some of them were familiar to me, some of them weren’t. This something new would be good for them. It’s an opportunity for impact and knowledge and, yes, has a glimmer of spotlight about it.

My reaction?

Was it gladness and grace and excitement that this person, these people, were beginning a new ministry?

Nope.

I was angry.

Unsanctified, unholy, unwarranted anger.

I felt a sense of injustice and thought, why not me? Why wasn’t I asked to be part of this? Why haven’t I been offered this type of opportunity?

And then it just got better from there.

Why is it so hard for me? Why do they get everything and I feel like I sit in a puddle of nothing, and not even a big puddle, at that?

 

Have you ever felt that way?

Has your sense of justice ever been offended at the perceived plenty that another person experiences?

Have you ever looked at someone and thought that things come so easy for them, that they don’t have to endure what you do? That they just seem to skip along into opportunities and you can’t always even see a glimmer of light to show you the way forward?

 

Maybe it’s just me.

But, it is me. It’s the way I feel sometimes.

When I get caught in the tangle of ambition and need for approval and people-pleasing-affirmation-seeking. When I look around me rather than above me for my purpose and presence.

Oh, it’s hard sometimes. It’s hard to remember that God is a god of abundance, not of want. That the memory of his provision through the ages dims in the scrolling screen of other people’s success.

It’s hard to remember that God doesn’t take from one child to give to another. There is an infinite number of gifts, of calling, of purpose. Enough for every person who has ever been and ever will be. That he does not flaunt another person’s successes in an attempt to be cruel. Saying, if only you were better, tried harder, if only I loved you as much as them, they I would give you your heart’s desire.

This isn’t the God he is.

He’s the God of daily bread and life long vision.
He’s the God of the cosmos and the God of the speck.

But sometimes it’s hard.

Hard to wait and wonder and want. Sitting in the sense of the not-as-yet but when?

Working the daily tasks when you long for the grand opportunity.

 

This is a journey I’m on and have been my whole life. The idea that what God has for me is for me. He does not have the tasks of others for me, neither does he take from me to equip others.

The time has come before and the time will come again when I will recognize God’s movement and direct just for me purpose and timing.

One of my favorite verses of the Bible right now, one that Barbara Brown Taylor would say is ‘saving my life right now’ talks about what it’s like in the in between.

Elisha was apprenticed to the prophet Elijah, one of the most recognized prophets in Israel. After succeeding Elijah, Elisha went on to serve God in miraculous ways, equipped, known, remembered throughout history. But this verse about him is my favorite.

But Jehoshaphat asked, “Is there no prophet of the LORD here, through whom we may inquire of the LORD?” An officer of the king of Israel answered, “Elisha son of Shaphat is here. He used to pour water on the hands of Elijah.” 2 Kings 3:11

Elisha was known for his service. He was known for his faithfulness. Before he was known across the land, he was known by a man whom he served.

This is such a testament to me. To look at this verse and realize it’s not about recognition but about what I’m known for. Am I known for glitz or am I known for faithfulness?

Do I resent people for their successes and their time in the spotlight or do I recognize that the daily journey of many faithfulnesses is what I’m called to.

You see, when envy is my focus it stems from a forgetting of who I am in God’s eyes and a glazing over of the importance of how small works, small deeds, small sacrifices and kindnesses, these add tenfold to the lives of others.

Am I focused on where I should be going or where God has placed me in this moment, in this time, for his purpose?

Elisha didn’t see shame in being the handwasher of Elijah. He saw service as a privilege. He took the opportunity to learn and to grow. He learned how to sit at God’s feet and worship. He learned that we need to rely on others and be a support to them in return.

And his time did come. God had purpose for him as he has for me.

When I lose sight of that purpose and seek what the world around me has to offer, even if it’s disguised under the context of ‘mission’ and ‘leadership’, then I lose sight of what God has for me, and me alone. When I focus on others’ achievements I lose focus on the one who created me, who gave me purpose. And who knows what is best for me, and what is best for others.

When my anger rises, I remember this verse. I sit, and I listen. I confess and I re-orient to my savior, my equipper. I ask him what he thinks of me and I soak in his love and goodness.

And you know what else? I recognize that it’s time to pour water on the hands of others and see what Jesus has to teach me there.